I have a recurring dream, several, actually. One happened just the other night.
It was my final semester before graduating college, and I needed just a few more credits to graduate, one of them being in math. The final exam was mere hours away, and I suddenly remembered that I had not been to class in months. Nor had I done any of the homework required to pass. I awoke panicked, believing my future career and life were in jeopardy. How could be so stupid and reckless? How could I have placed myself in such jeopardy? How did I let this happen?
Then I slowly came about, realizing that none of this was real, and that I had successfully graduated college some thirty years ago. Ironically, I never even took math in college, choosing to double up on science instead. So, I was having nightmares about a class I never took and did not need to graduate.
I understand that I am not alone in this dream or any other of my recurring ones (someone chasing me relentlessly, or being naked in a public place). But having angst and anxiety about something that has never happened, nor ever will, is odd, right? Shouldn't I be having nightmares about real things, like a financial depression, a natural disaster, or an oboe apocalypse?
Why school? Why now?
In an article in The Atlantic, Deirdre Barrett, a dream researcher at Harvard University and the author of Pandemic Dreams and The Committee of Sleep, explained school dreams in this way: "It's a common theme, not only for people who are still in school, but for people who are far into adulthood, and who have been out of school forever."
Barrett further explained, "These dreams tend to pop up when the dreamer is anxious in waking life, particularly about being evaluated by an authority figure, which makes sense based on my current life experiences and situation."
This is even true in music.
She found, "People who play music at an early age tend to experience anxiety dreams, not about school, but about auditions— where they dealt with authority figures who could most easily crush them. In each of these dream scenarios, we revisit the space where we first experienced success or failure based on our performance."
Wait. Say what?! You mean, not only am I having recurring dreams, I am a part of someone else's recurring dreams? After all, I auditioned students and assigned playing tests. I passed judgments every hour of every day. Is there a teacher on campus who judges more frequently than a music teacher? Pitch, articulation, balance, blend, timing, space, technique... We pass more judgments every day than Judge Judy did in 42 years on the bench.
Now I am to understand that my job is the source of someone else's midnight angst. Someone should have mentioned this in my practicum class.
Ok, back to my dream.
In the same article, Jane Teresa Anderson, author of The Dream Handbook states, "What might be behind that dream scenario (being back at school and having to take this final) is feeling tested in life, feeling that you have to respond to other people's expectations, and feeling that you're not meeting them."
She goes on to state that dream researchers believe that these dreams recur when they do to provide us with another lesson from a past experience. In the case of my dream of being judged, the lesson from thirty years ago is still the same one I need to learn today, which is not to be affected by what other people think (of me).
So recurring dreams are rooted in lessons I still need to learn from people that influenced me. Hmmm.
Does that mean that all of my students who don't have recurring nightmares mastered the lesson of self-analysis and evaluation, or was I simply not an influence on them?
Let's go with the former.
We all know the lessons of learning and making music extend far beyond our classroom walls, but to know that it extends beyond our waking hours is simply unreal. As a teacher seventeen years ago, it turns out that I wasn't just filling their days; I am currently still haunting their dreams. That is simultaneously super cool and super creepy.
I have a night job! But, I don't want a night job. How do I get out of this? How do I stop haunting my former students?
Jane Anderson states that you can attempt to resolve these issues by processing through the dream, but producing a favorable resolution. So to all of my former students, imagine yourself completing that playing exam or scale test, then turning to me and saying, "I appreciate you listening, but I choose to grade myself."
Perhaps the reason I don't haunt their dreams is the fact I did have my students grade themselves on every test. In fact, their grade was worth 50%, or as much as mine. In 16 years, on only two occasions were my students' grades higher than mine. My experience is kids are always tougher on themselves than I will ever be.
So I guess their dreams are safe from me after all.
Me? I will imagine myself in that state of panic, walking into the lecture hall, but envision the professor saying, "This test doesn't matter; you don't need it to graduate. But, would you please put some clothes on?!"
That will solve two problems at once.
Have a great week!
Scott
p.s. I don't have any recurring nightmares about teaching. I wonder why? Do you?